The Japanese Straddle*
Mr. P. Baring [PB] enters a pet shop.
PB: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The trader - a Mr. N. Leeson [NL] does not respond.)
PB: 'Ello, Miss?
NL: What do you mean "miss"?
PB: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
NL: We're closin' for lunch.
PB: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this strategy what I purchased not long ago from this very boutique.
NL: Oh yes, the, uh, the Japanese straddle...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
PB: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
NL: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
PB: Look, matey, I know a dead straddle when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
NL: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable strategy, the Japanese straddle, idn'it, ay? Beautiful marginning!
PB: The marginning don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
NL: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
PB: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake it up! (thumping the desk) 'Ello, Mister Sammy Straddle! I've got a lovely fresh maintenance margin for you if you show...(NL shifts the account)
NL: There, he moved!
PB: No, he didn't, that was you shifting the account!
NL: I never!!
PB: Yes, you did!
NL: I never, never did anything...
PB: (yelling and hitting the desk repeatedly) 'ELLO SAMMY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call! (Takes p/l statement out of pocket and waves it about. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
PB: Now that's what I call a dead straddle.
NL: No, no.....No, 'e's stopped out!
PB: STOPPED OUT?!?
NL: Yeah! You stopped him out, just as he was coming round! Japanese Straddles stop out easily, major.
PB: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That strategy is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not long ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged temporary market correction.
NL: Well, it's...it's, ah...probably pining for low volatility.
PB: PININ' for the LOW VOLATILITY?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got 'im home?
NL: The Short Japanese Straddle prefers tradin' in a flat market! Remarkable strategy, id'nit, squire? Lovely marginning!
PB: Look, I took the liberty of examining that straddle when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been trading in the first place was that it had been cross-margined.
(pause)
NL: Well, o'course it was cross-margined! If I hadn't cross-margined that straddle, it would have nuzzled up to those locals, bent 'em apart with its size, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
PB: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this strategy wouldn't "voom" if you put four zillion dollars through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
NL: No no! 'E's pining!
PB: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This strategy is no more! It has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is market in the sky! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't cross-accounted 'im 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-STRADDLE!!
(pause)
NL: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
NL: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of straddles.
PB: I see. I see, I get the picture.
NL: (pause) I got a Malaysian Butterfly ...
At this point the transcript breaks off.
[With acknowledgement and apologies to Monty Python]
